17th June, 2008
The Ballad of X and Dean Cain
Tuesday, 2:31 pm in Movies & TV
Anecdote time.
When I was a kid I used to have this friend – let’s call her ‘X’ to protect the lulz – who was really into Dean Cain.1 I mean, she was really into Dean Cain. The notion of crushing on actors (he was, like, a million years old! Gross!) was novel to me at the time so I used to always feel somewhat baffled upon entering her room to find her walls plastered by with posters torn from issues of TV Hits magazine, all featuring her hero in various wholesome, all-American poses.
Now, one day I noticed that one of X’s posters was kinda, well, oddly defaced. Poor Dean was covered in multiple, random pinkish-red dots about an inch across and, even weirder, he appeared to be having a major problem with sweat stains; very unusual in someone primarily made of inanimate paper.
So I asked X about his affliction. The “sweat stains” were quickly revealed to be from where X would liberally apply perfume to the armpits of her poster. Hygiene is very important so I guess I could kind of ‘get’ that, but… what about the dots?
Right. The dots.
Now, this particular poster happened to be stuck to the door of X’s cupboard, which was about a foot and a half or so away from the end of her bed. What she used to do was take off her shoes and socks, put lipstick on her big toe, lie on her back on the bed with her legs dangling off the end and kinda… jab her foot at the poster. The red marks were from where her lipstick-coated toe had collided with the paper. It was kinda like some demented mix of pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey and, like, putting on lipstick and just kissing Dean’s papery visage.2
Now just… think about that for a moment. Imagine the scene in your mind.
Anyway, I guess this was my first real exposure to fandom. Nowadays, I can’t see Dean Cain without remembering my friend and her red-speckled, perfume smelling poster. In some ways, I think that’s how I see all of us, every last fan; we’re all jabbing our lipstick-covered toes at our heroes and idols and crushes, all in our own demented ways.
And, really, after X and her relationship with Dean, nothing in the fandom ever seemed strange again.
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Comments
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This seemed sort of random until I got to the end, but it certainly is an amusing story. I wasn’t around for much of the eighties, but there were some strange drugs in the air…
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The 80s!
Now you’re making me feel really old.
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The 90s is the new 80s… Damn.
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Seems that way.
*ships off to the retirement home*
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Well, this story happened in the mid nineties, yes? And let’s face it, the early to mid nineties were just as bad as the eighties.
You’re only three years older than I, if your bio page is current.
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That’s hilarious. What a lazy way to kiss a poster, she’s clearly not a true fan. Tsk tsk.
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I dunno, I always thought it was kind of inventive. In a… totally crazy kind of way.
I mean, we were about, like, 13 at the time, so…
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I hate to say it, but your friend is a nutter.
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You know, in retrospect, I think you’re probably right…
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Funny, but Dean is such a loser now, completely pathetic.
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Fail.
Right. Because you’re totally a shining bastion of awesomeness. I mean, I bet you’ve got people lined up outside your door right now, begging for lessons on how to reduce their loser quotient.
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Re: Fail.
I’m totally cool. Check out my blog & leave a comment, pass along the site.
[Link removed. – D.]
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Re: Re: Fail.
Wow.
I’m sorry, but I don’t think you make the minimum IQ requirement to be here.